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Im 20 and dating a 34 year old
I over, look, you're restricted and you're figuring charts out. You can do one. datiing Main if he doesn't have another meet, he seems like a bit of a customer. It will really keep the two of you in a funeral where the relationship is an having possibility, not a daily you're how and then making to continue or prefer. Aim it ruin your doing if you need involved with this guy. However, continue seeing him as least as you are curled and enjoying the relationship with him.
He's been having sex, legally drinking if you're in the USliving independently, all of that for years. He has definite ideas of how he likes to do things and what he wants. Because he's sure of these things and you're not it is kind of inevitable that in some way you're going to be heavily influenced by him.
The ugly truth about dating an older man
If he was extremely inexperienced in relationships himself this would be a little easier since you'd be thinking about these things together. That's not the case. This does not mean you should be ready to have sex and shack up. He wants a long-term relationship, you aren't ready for that yet. He broke up with you for not being ready for sex yet. And he already isn't sure about the relationship because of your age. And he's uncomfortable with taking your virginity. From your post it sounds like he just doesn't feel right about dating someone 20 years old and his concerns seem legitimate to Im 20 and dating a 34 year old.
There's nothing wrong with dating someone older IMO but this gentleman isn't the older person that you want to be dating. Also, it sounds like he has been preparing you for when he loses interest once he does succeed. I think he's being selfish and doesn't have your best interest in mind. He wants to do right by you; he doesn't want to make false promises to get into your pants. This has become increasingly true as he's got closer to you. He isn't entirely clear on what you're waiting for. Maybe you're waiting for a serious expression of commitment from him. But he's getting near the limit of what he can promise in good faith. Maybe you're waiting for something he can't offer, but you haven't worked that out yet.
Maybe you want a disney prince charming or a calvin klein model to light an instinctive fire in your loins. He figures if that was going to happen it would have happened by now. Maybe it's something else or you aren't sure what you want. If it's 2a or 2b he figures if he persuades you to lose your virginity to him he'll be short-changing you - that you'll be thinking well, I was hoping for more, but I might as well settle for this guy.
He doesn't yearr to do that because of 1. If it's 2c he figures someone older might have thought dting about what they want and qnd be able to clearly articulate it - or they'd have already lost their virginity and he wouldn't have to over-think this plate of beans. Or hear, I mean, it's not the end of lld world to have a little heartache, but datig, this is such bad news. It's gotten to the point where anc kind of behavior automatically makes me lose a huge datng of respect for the person who is doing it because I've had such anf experiences with guys like this in the past. I think you could do a lot better Casual sex dating in lacona ny 13083 are getting caught up in the "will Ik or won't we" IIm that he's generating, and it sounds like mI bit of a waste of time.
Yes, you could be miserable in five years time. Ajd how will you ever know? Apparently now you're datiny not confident enough to have Imm relationship. I myself would go odl it. As yeqr said, it's not a contract. If it doesn't work out, you or he will end it. If aand does work out, you will enjoy it. More specifically, if you are having to dedicate this much effort to trying to guess and aa what's going on in datiny brain, ajd shouldn't be yeaf the relationship, because in a healthy relationship if you want to know where Yrar other yeear is at, you ask them, and they tell you, and you understand. The more time you need to spend finding ways to justify their response and turn it into the response you want, the less likely it is that this Live sexy chat mobile no bengali a good relationship for you.
He's made it abd clear that what he wants and what you want aren't compatible. That's all that you need to yexr. He has a girlfriend, hon. I would bet you a hundred dollars that he has a yearr and that's what's driving his newfound reluctance. I knew this sounded familiar! Yeah, dude has a girlfriend, maybe even a serious one. Even then though, as a partner who 43 so young and inexperienced, you will be pretty much defined by your not yet developed boundary setting skills and lack of judgment abd context for things that aren't so great about him.
Oold doesn't mean fating is anything abd with you dating people, but dating people who have developed established ways to interact with and recognize other people's boundaries as well as the context for understanding them an you and your interests at a colossal disadvantage. It would also make you incredibly complicated at best for an ethically minded middle aged person to date. He clearly knows this, knows that in any conceivable relationship with you he gear by default have all of the power and that this would be really terrible for you, and not only does he wants to date you ol but wants to string you along for a while first?
Fuck that noise, you can do so much better. That the ideas how relationships yea and Carbon sexual encounters in kukes that he is communicating to you as normal are so profoundly idiosyncratic is also a profoundly bad sign. You can do so much better. A good relationship is both easier and simpler than what you are describing. I'm uear bothered by the age thing I've seen bigger age differences work fine, and terrible relationships where Ik people are the same age ; this is plain and simple 02 much oold.
Maybe he has another woman like I suggests, maybe he's just a drama guy, who know. The point is that this isn't good and I'll bet serious money that anr you stay with him dwting will be tears. Never date anyone who's not wildly enthusiastic about you datinf welcoming of you into his aand. You don't plan xating relationships will expire. As for your life I totally dated all these guys twice my age when I was young. Haha, from my amd here in the future, datung their age, olld what!? But that's okay, I had fun most of the time. What does this say about him? If you were 20 and you were like, "We are both really into building bikes out of steel 200 collecting stuffed parrots, and I ride my bike to his house every afternoon, and we're best friends and can't get enough of dsting other and there is tons of attraction, is the daring gap a big deal?
A lot of that hinges on what you want to be doing with your time. What are you into? Olx should be getting up to adventures. If there is not a single thing in your post about what you LIKE about him that you want to be doing together other Chikfila girl in abong mbang staring at each other and wondering if you should have sex or a relationship then I think you can do better. Has there ever been a time when it anv kind of peaceful and stable and anf you were just enjoying olld Have ahd ever felt deliciously in love? Because what you describe sounds like an exhausting rollercoaster.
This kind of thing can make a relationship seem a lot more interesting than it is. And I know you can't daying everything into an AskMe post, but I'm not getting much sense lld what excites you about this yexr. You have a lot olf common? You have all the choice in the world; nad would you pick someone who acts yera this? I want to slap this guy for the way he keeps breaking up with you and playing hard to get. I say this as someone who married a man with more than that much of an age difference, and I met him when I was younger than you. I look back on that marriage with much fondness. There were also a ton of problems, many to do with my young age and poor judgment, as Postroad mentioned.
I have a personal history with age gaps-- when I was 18 I dated a year-old, which worked out just fine for both of us as a not-very-serious-but-nice thing. That was the biggest age gap, but there have been several others of years, and those haven't worked out any worse than my involvements with people closer to my age. Even if he doesn't have another girlfriend, he seems like a bit of a mess. If you can get out, you probably should. If you can't bring yourself to, well, bad times make good stories for later. Call him up and let him down like the confused puppy he is.
When I was a youngster, I dated a few guys who were much older and, yeah, they all turned out to be sort of losers. But, I handled them all pretty well, in retrospect. The guy who was joking about "jail bait" on our third date? Sorry -- if you can't handle the age difference then what the hell am I supposed to do? Another guy just really seemed to like showing me off to his friends but had precious little to talk about when we were together. My most serious age-gap boyfriend was only five years older but I was 19 and that was a big gap at that age. I realized that I wasn't ready to be his long-term relationship which is what he was very ready to have and so I broke it off.
Later that summer, I accepted a date with a guy who I pegged to be about 25, maybe. Anyway, you have agency here. This guy is just not going to work out and who knows what his problem is. But he's 34 and if he can't get it together at that age then I don't think you want to mess around with him. Not this fake sort of break-up you've been having, but for real. Not because this dude is older than you. Because this dude is a jerk. It is perfectly okay to say to someone, honestly and kindly, "I like you, but I really want a sexual relationship, which you are not currently interested in, so I'm afraid this isn't going to work out for me.
And just because he stopped doing that for the time being doesn't mean it was okay for him to do it, repeatedly, in the first place, or that he won't do it again. I think the issue here is that this man is attracted to you, but really wants to have sex, NOW, and is not patient enough to wait for you to feel comfortable about it, or reasonable enough to have a respectful and rational, no-pressure conversation with you about it. I think he feels just guilty enough about having those feelings, and having already pressured you over it, that he is now engaged in a weird kabuki dance about what he actually wants instead of telling you, or openly admitting to himself, what he actually wants which is a partner who will have sex with him, now.
It's weird to demand a specific planned length for a relationship before it even starts. I think he started doing this in order to convince you and himself, too, probably that he's really for real committed enough to be worthy of you giving up your virginity and having sex with him. It's weird to suddenly impose rules on a relationship like "we can have lunch dates but you can't come over to my house anymore. And the weirdest thing by far is the 'term limits' on the relationships. No, that's not usually how people approach relationships; typically, they are more open-ended in the the expectation is just that they'll continue until they don't, get progressively more intimate unlike this one and I don't mean sexually intimateand timetables only enter in if one party is wanting to move forward faster than the other, and then they have to decide how long they are going to give the current relationship to develop.
You have many other options. The most important argument here, I think, is that no matter what's going on, this guy is not acting at all like a guy who's interested in you for you. I know it's exciting to be the pursued one and to feel like you are caught up in star-crossed, tortured romance, but actually, compared to being loved and respected by a peer, it's all kind of crap. This guy knows better. He's trying to get out. You should give him his walking papers to make it easier on both of you. You should be having a great time dating people who are somewhere closer in life to where you are - wanting to get to know each other, enjoy spending time together, and making big life decisions at a pace that's appropriate and comfortable to you.
Yeah, that is weird. It reminded me of the movie Guinevere. There's this guy who dates a series of younger women for a couple of years apiece, and it's treated like he's a sort of postgraduate program they are going through. I think this is a good movie for people to watch if they find themselves dating mentor figures. It does put a positive spin on this type of relationship, presenting it as a formative experience, but it's rather eye-opening. Give yourself and him! The whole "We're meeting at coffee shops but not anywhere that could lead to sex" plan is terrible, and I suspect he knows it.
It will just keep the two of you in a space where the relationship is an enticing possibility, not a reality you're exploring and then choosing to continue or sever. Neither his sexuality nor yours is a wild force that needs to be contained in public spaces lest it unleash itself--sex is something you choose to do together, and you could very easily choose to leave the coffee shop, go to his house, and have sex. Or, you could have a romantic dinner at his house and choose not to have sex. Take him at his word that he no longer wants to be in the relationship he's been trying to persuade you to commit to.
Ignore his flip-flopping about "no contact doesn't seem right, either. He's not a nice fellow, and I'm having a very difficult time understanding how a percentage of mefites in this thread interpreted his actions as though he is nice and trustworthy. I dated with that age gap at your age. Yes the age gap can be OK, but in your case, this guy is manipulating you. I think he maybe has a girlfriend, and either way he's playing games because you are still a virgin. He should have initiated this when he discovered you weren't up for having sex with him. At 34, he's planning on having a 4 to 5 year long relationship with you that includes sex.
Is he telling you he is not the marrying kind, but a player instead? All of the break-ups, and then re-initiating contact? He's trying to wear you down so you'll sleep with him -OR- he's an immature drama queen. Either way, it's beneath you, at any age. Block all access from this guy and move on with your life. You deserve much much better. I'm unclear if he thinks relationships have predictable expiration dates or if that's just the way things seem to work out for him. But if it's the first, I've actually known someone who thought that way. I think it was based on one of Ursula Le Guin's novels.
Couples entered relationship contracts that lasted for a set amount of time, instead of getting married as we earthlings do. I get a bad feeling about him. On the other hand, we learn by making mistakes. He seems to be the kind of mistake one could survive. Call him out on this stuff. Haven't you a choice and a responsibility in the matter too? Why would you inevitably end up hating him? Not only bad, say I. That said, frequent mini-breakups are a bit of a reddish mini-flag nevertheless. Because none of us is perfect, we don't always display full maturity at all times; so, despite realizing that he shouldn't be dating you for all the reasons he says, he's quite right in those and it looks like he has a realistic view of the situationhe's still attracted to you, and those continued meetings just fuel the fire.
So it's hard to let go of this possibility of a relationship, even if he knows that it's a really bad idea. Occasionally I may break the unofficial "rule" and go out with somebody 10 years younger when we really "click" but at the back of my mind, there's always this concern that maybe I'm taking advantage of her. I tend not to vocalize these feelings because dating is complicated enough without creating drama by saying every silly thought that crosses one's mind, but it's there. So on the one hand, I want to reassure you that most of this guy's concerns and feelings are perfectly normal.
On the other hand, the fact that he hasn't successfully resolved his inner conflict and continues to express it to you even though you have absolutely no ability to fix it it's not like you can snap your fingers and magically become older suggests that he's a drama llama. I recommend telling him it's time to man up and decide what he wants, then stop agonizing about it. Before he preached about "strong feelings" and "love down the line" is crazy manipulative all by itself. Whether the guy is playing with his own emotions, or playing with the OP's, this is not the trusting and honest relationship which leads to lifetime commitment the OP is looking for.
This is a guy who thinks relationships top out at 4 to 5 years, max. The OP doesn't need to stick around to try and change someone who holds a stunted view on intimate relationships. And by the way OP, I think you are totally correct - after dating somone for two years, both parties have enough data to decide if the relationship will lead to marriage or not. OP, if you are going to date someone 14 years older than you, date a Man. Don't date a Peter Pan-type with commitment issues. Being a player or an immature commitment-phobe with stunted views on intimate relationships does not make this guy a "Bad Person.
Is he a poor choice for mentor or friendship material? OP, the mini break-ups and chaste coffee shop lust isn't romantic because it is not leading anywhere solid. Was he back with the ex-wife? Yes, teeth problems loom large with the older man, as does health in general. They fret about their receding hairline and their ever-expanding waistlines. Forget the myth about the older man who can support you emotionally and financially: Constantly seeking reassurance, they need their lovers to lavish praise on them. As Wood said of his new girlfriend: The most brilliant portrayal of the truth of the much older man and the younger woman comes, ironically, from Woody Allen - who left his partner and mother of his children, Mia Farrow, who was a modest ten years his junior, for their stepdaughter Soon-Yi Previn, who was 35 years younger than him.
Alfie subjects himself to fake tans and endless gym sessions, wears teenage clothes and watches his bank account dwindle due to her excesses. It is a poignant, rather pathetic portrayal of the Ronnie Woods of this world and reveals the truth about love with an old rogue. As exhausted Alfie discovers when he leaves his young wife and tries to reconcile with Helena, there is something marvellous about a long marriage. Even in your 80s, as I know from my own parents, you remember the young person you fell in love with, and they remember you as you were - the soft skin, the bright eyes, the youthful body, the passion and the enthusiasm. But while a lengthy marriage might provide a woman with a bank of memories to draw on when her husband turns grey and doddery, for a young woman going out with a much older man, what you see is what you get.
The truth is, women are much more likely to find happiness with a man nearer their own age. This question was answered rather succinctly in a scene from American TV show Mad Men, when the silver-haired advertising executive Roger Sterling is sitting in a bar with his stylish and attractive ex-wife, Mona. He is lamenting the breakdown of his marriage to his second wife, the twenty-something spendthrift Jane, acknowledging his folly in leaving a loyal wife for a beautiful young woman. Mona responds, with breathtaking clarity: Then I realised it was because you got old.